Nearly a year and a half after meeting Ben, and I find myself at a loss for words at how to introduce him to this part of my world. So I've decided not to find new words. Instead, I'll share Ben's story with all my new friends by taking you along with me through our grief journey over the past eighteen months. My hope is this makes at least one person feel less alone. That one person find a sense of hope through our story. 1 in 100. You are not alone.
April 5, 2019, post from Ashley:
It is with very heavy hearts we announce that our son, Benjamin Robert Battas, was born on April 4th, 2019 at 11:38am, weighing 3lbs 8oz. Regretfully, at only 32 weeks Ben’s heart had stopped beating and we will leave the hospital with a baby in our hearts, but not in our arms. We currently have more questions than answers and our only solace during this awful time is that he thriving in Heaven in the arms of many grandparents and great grandparents. We know many want to help, so outside of the space to grieve we have these prayer requests; to help heal Beckett’s broken heart for the baby brother she so desperately wanted, for Brooks continued wit and humor to keep us all smiling during this time, for the pain of Ashley’s c-section to subside quickly so she can go home to be with her family and for Dustin and Ashley’s comfort. Baby Ben, you are so loved and we know you would have been extraordinary. Mommy, Daddy, Beckett and Brooks love you so very much.
May 12, 2019, post from Dustin:
I’ve never been more impressed with Ashley as a wife and especially as a Mom than I have been these last few weeks since we lost Benjamin. Literally, your first thought when you found out Ben’s heart wasn’t beating was, “How are we going to tell Beckett? She’s going to be heartbroken.” Then, I watched you tell her gracefully and strongly that Ben was in heaven. And, as she always does, she modeled you. You were loving and strong so she was loving and strong. Then, I watched you hold Ben and if your love could have saved him he would have lived forever. You are the best Mom and I can’t imagine a better person to raise kids with. Beckett, Brooks and Angel Benjamin love you but most importantly they know how much you love them. Happy Mother’s Day!
May 30, 2019, post from Ashley:
Today was supposed to be Ben’s birthday. The happy one. The one that has been marked on the family calendar for months with a heart. The one we had been planning our entire summer around. Eight weeks ago, we took getting to May 30th for granted. We were looking forward to what funny story would come from my third c-section, like Beckett’s legs that were stuck in the air or how the doctor laughed when she pulled Brooks out because he was so big. We knew our family would be complete with number three. We could not wait to see Brooks as a big brother, to give him the gift of a brother. We knew Beckett would excel even more as Ben’s big sister because of all her practice this last three years.
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But like 1 in every 100 pregnancies, we experienced a stillbirth and never made it to the happy birthday.
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We tried to turn today happy. To make memories to cover up the sad ones we have experienced over the last eight weeks. The kids made Build-A-Bears, thanks to generous donations from my work family, with a heart from the blanket Ben was wrapped in at the hospital, with a special note written on each. We had a special family lunch. We picked strawberries and ate ice cream. We said yes.
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And I wish I could tell you today was happy. I wish I could tell you I didn’t think about what we should really be doing all day long. I wish I could tell you I’ve found peace and understand why this not only happened to us, but why this happens to so many families like us. But I cannot. We had happy moments, but today was not a happy day.
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Despite that, I am one of the lucky ones. I have two beautiful, happy, and healthy children. An amazing husband and a supportive family. While the last eight weeks have had their dark moments, Dustin and I have felt so uplifted by the kindness of everyone around us. I wish there was enough time or space to thank each person individually. We have been overwhelmed by the support. I want you to know if you have sent a card, a text, a facebook message, a voicemail over the last eight weeks… it has been cherished. Not only have I read each and every one, but I have kept them all in a memory box for Ben and I have read them on my bad days. Thank you to everyone who has sent a text, just asking how we are or saying you were thinking of me. My work family has been ridiculously generous and caring. I am so blessed to do a job I love, with people who I adore. We have the best cul-de-sac crew in all the land. Thank you to our Tiger Basketball family for rallying around us so quickly. To the staff at Beckett's for the extra love they gave to her each day. To Katelyn, 
. To my ’05 Thetas for their kind words, and the incredibly thoughtful gifts. To high school friends I haven’t talked to in years, for sending gifts and support. To anyone who has privately shared your own story with me, and helped me feel less alone. To the incredible labor and delivery doctors and nurses at Missouri Baptist for making the darkest days of my life, bearable. There are no words for Beth, Hilary, Jenna, Marci, Stephanie, Megan, Katie and Kassie. Just know I love you.
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Happy Birthday Benjamin Robert, we love you so.
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June 25, 2019, post by Ashley:
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1 in every 100 pregnancies ends in a stillbirth.
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And yet in my 36 years, through all my dear friends pregnancies, when we had Ben I didn’t know any of those stories. I felt lost and alone after Ben died and a few caring people came and shared their stillbirth stories with me privately. It helped me through the darkness. It helped me realize I would be ok someday. A few weeks ago I sat down and shared Ben’s story. Our story. This is part one of a two part story. This is the really sad part. This is the hard part. But my hope is that someday this story gets to one of those 1 in 100 women and helps them feel less alone and less in the dark.
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We do hard things.
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Ben's Story, Part 1
June 28, 2019, Post by Ashley
Thank you EVERYONE for the incredible response to my video sharing Ben’s story. You have overwhelmed my family with your love and support. This is not the first time we have been overwhelmed through this journey. People are good.
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I promised part two would be happier than part one. I’m not sure the post below can be classified as happy, but it is hopeful. After Ben I had lost hope, but hope returns. The grief doesn’t leave but the hope returns. So many of you have told me that you didn’t know what to say, but by even saying that, you helped. Have a friend going through infant loss? I used this video to talk about what helped us in those dark days. So I hope this helps you.
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To my tribe of women. You know who you are. Thank you for your strength. Thank you for your friendship. I am so thankful I have you by my side.
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To my husband. You and the kids are the reason I got out of bed those first few days. You are my rock, my anchor, my one true north. I love you Dustin.
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Finally, to all those mothers who have lost a child. Whether to stillbirth, or miscarriage or those who have lost the hope of a child through fertility issues. I see you. I hear you. I am you. It’s gets better.
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We do hard things.
Ben's Story, Part 2
October 4, 2019, Post by Ashley:
Dear Ben,
Happy Six Month Birthday.
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This is hard.
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Mourning you is the hardest thing I have ever done. I have never felt an all encompassing grief like this. I have learned over the past six months that while grief has distractions there is no escape.
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Parenting two grieving children has been hard. Beckett my sensitive soul, but also Brooks who is just now starting to realize other people get to bring their babies home and is asking questions about when our baby comes home.
Realizing grief doesn’t fit into my timeline has been hard. I wanted to quantify how long I could be sad, how long I could be short with others, how long I could cry and it doesn’t work like that.
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Answering “two” when someone asks me how many children I have has been REALLY hard. I had three full pregnancies, I had three c sections, I held three newborns in the hospital, but I’m sure the grocery checker doesn’t want to hear two live with me and one is in heaven. But every time I say two it feels like a lie and a disservice to you.
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Having a postpartum body, with no baby is not only hard, but kind of bullshit. Recovering from surgery, my milk came in, my hair is falling out and every time I get dressed my body reminds me of what should have been.
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Learning to talk to God again. Hard.
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Every milestone that passes without you. Hard.
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Every what if, could have and should have. Hard.
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Test results that say we were perfect. Hard.
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Taking down a nursery and returning baby clothes. Hard.
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We smiled when we took these pictures and sent you some balloons to play with in heaven, but taking family pictures with empty arms was really hard.
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But you’re a member of the Battas Family.
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We do hard things.
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And so we’ll do this too.
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No one will ever understand how much I love you.
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, Momma
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January 1, 2020, Post by Ashley:
The greater your storm, the brighter your rainbow.
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2019 brought us the ugliest storm we’ve ever had to navigate through. While I shared the pain of losing Ben openly, I’ve taken very little time to share the positive lessons this family learned.
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We saw the good. The good in people, strangers, old friends and new. The goodness shocked us at times, overwhelmed us at others, but always renewed our faith in this world.
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My relationship with God changed. After a brief hiatus, where we weren’t on speaking terms, I’ve talked to God more in the last nine months than in my entire life.
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Beckett and Brooks learned compassion and empathy. Parenting children through this type of grief was the toughest part of this huge loss, and while as a parent you would give anything to protect them from the hurt, pain and confusion, knowing and losing Ben has taught them qualities we could have never taught them on our own.
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Heaven is real in our house. We talk about Ben and the fun he is having in Heaven all the time. Every change in the weather, beautiful sunset or bright rainbow shows us Ben is still with us, from a beautiful place we will all know some day.
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Our family grew. While you may not see him, the kids know they have a brother. Dustin and I have a third child. He’s in every family picture Beckett draws, he’s in the kids prayers and he is a part of this family.
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We are stronger. This family of five is a unit, a team, a force. We love each other harder and lean on each other more. We do hard things.
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Dustin and I told 2019 it could kiss our ass last night before going to bed well before midnight, and woke up this morning ready for less storms and more rainbows in 2020.
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With God’s grace, our family will grow to six in May, when Ben’s baby sister arrives.
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Here’s to a new day, a new year and new hope in 2020!
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April 4, 2020, Post by Ashley:
I love first birthdays. I go BIG. Completely over the top parties that my friends make fun of me for. But they bring me joy.
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I know that the baby doesn’t actually know what is going on, but I’ve always thought first birthdays were more about celebrating the parents making it through that first year. Sleepless nights, feeding struggles, teething and just that general feeling of what the heck are we doing? A huge, over the top celebration, complete with cake to say you all did this, way to go.
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So today, in a much more understated way, with just our family, we celebrated making it through the hardest year of our lives. And like much of our year, today felt heavy. There were moments of joy and we made memories for the kids, but for the most part I was just putting one foot in front of the other.
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There is no manual for how to navigate through a loss like this, but I’m incredibly proud of how we’ve navigated this year and come out in the other side. Most of all, I’m proud to be Ben’s mom.
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Thank you to everyone who helped make today special. Your support today and throughout this year has meant the world to us.
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Happy Birthday Ben, we love you.
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We do hard things.
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April 26, 2019, Post by Ashley:
8 more days until baby girls joins us and I think the nursery is “done.”
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I really contemplated not working on this room until she arrived. The pain of having to close the door of Ben’s half completed nursery and sending back a crib that would never hold a baby was still too fresh.
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But the quarantine forced me to let go of a breath I had been holding this entire pregnancy. We were all home, looking for something to do, why not pour some sunshine into this house and work on a nursery.
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So many have asked what it’s like to be pregnant after a loss like ours and I’m not sure I have the correct words. So I’ll share a story instead. With the three pregnancies before this one, I vividly remember the excitement of seeing a positive pregnancy test. I remember shaking with joy and immediately going to find Dustin to share the news. I was never able to keep it a secret for a fun reveal, I was just so happy. But when I saw the “pregnant” read out on the test this past August I involuntarily dropped to my knees and started praying. I’ve never experienced an “out of body” experience, but that is the only way to describe it. I had no control over what was happening. I was just praying with a force I’d never prayed before. So much joy and pain and sadness and anxiety all wrapped up into one overwhelming package.
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And that’s what the last 39 weeks have been like. One big exercise is blind faith and hope.
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Eight more days of holding our breath. Eight more days of nervous energy. Eight more days may seem like nothing to most, but it feels like an eternity to me.
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We do hard things.
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May 3, 2020, Post by Ashley:
OVERWHELMED
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Overwhelmingly thankful. Overwhelming grateful.
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We are overwhelmed to announce the birth of our grand finale and the healer of our hearts, Bradley Cate Battas. She surprised us all by showing up a day early and now shares a birthday with her big sister.
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7:52am, 8lbs 7oz, 20.5 inches.
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Dustin and I are so in love and she is already adored by her big sister and brother. We’ve seen several signs today that she is being looked after by her angel brother Benjamin.
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We can’t thank you enough for your constant prayers for our family these past thirteen months.
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Bradley Cate, you are so loved.